Since no one sent anything in to be critiqued, I am posting the beginning of something new I am working on.
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Heaven Came Down – by Bryan
Ben set his plasma rifle on the ground and propped the angel’s corpse against a tree. In the filtered moonlight, a glow emanated from under the bill of her military-style cap. When he removed it, golden tresses fell to her camo-covered shoulders, and her serene face shone brightly, though she had died several minutes ago.
“Are you there?” Jack’s quiet voice came from the walkie-talkie at Ben’s hip. “What’s the delay?”
Ben snapped the unit off his belt, pressed the button, and whispered, “Got an angel patrol. Female. Older teen. Maybe early twenties.” He eyed the gaping hole in her chest, still smoking at the edges. “Took just one plasma shot to kill her.”
“Then she’s a grunt. Probably first generation.”
“More likely Gen Two. She’s got the glow.” Ben touched the angel’s cheek, smooth and radiant. No wonder so many people were fooled by these phonies. The so-called angels always chose attractive, youthful humans, and the radiance added to the deception. He withdrew a pneuma-scan disk from his pocket and set it against her forehead. The disk glowed purple. Both the invading spirit and the human soul were still there. “I hit her in the heart. Close range. That’ll kill a Two.”
“True, but if Gen Twos are patrolling, we’ve got more trouble than we bargained for.”
Trudy’s voice came through, even quieter than Jack’s. “Don’t be such a pessimist. I found the Jeep at the coordinates. Everything’s inside, including the cooler with the vaccine. Our mole came through. We’ve got this.”
“Good.” Ben slid the disk back to his pocket and glanced around for any sign of movement. Nothing stirred. “I’m at the site, but I haven’t had a chance to check the locker yet.”
“What’re you going to do with the angel?” Jack asked. “We have to be to the security gate by dawn. Not enough time to collect the implant.”
“No, but I can free this poor girl’s soul.” Ben withdrew his handgun from its hip holster and set the barrel against the angel’s forehead. In some ways, she looked like a younger version of Kat, but he couldn’t let sad memories stop him from doing the right thing. “Sorry, young lady, but it’s for your own good.”
* * *
Trudy stood at the roadside and stared at her walkie-talkie, her body tense as she waited for the inevitable. Seconds later, a gunshot rang from the speaker. As she imagined a soul flying from a ruptured skull, she blew a sigh. Another tragic casualty. But at least the girl was no longer a prisoner of the implanted slave master.
“Bugging out,” Ben said from the walkie-talkie, breathless, apparently running. “With any luck, the gunshot’ll draw the patrollers here, and I’ll be long gone.” A hum blended in, Ben’s electric motorcycle. “I got the replacement vials. Be there in about twenty. Watch out for Spy Net. When that patroller doesn’t report in, they’ll search for her.”
Trudy scanned the sky through the tree canopy, mostly bare as a cool breeze rattled the remaining dry leaves and prompted her to zip her jacket. The gibbous moon hung low, and the usual stars dotted the blackness. In the distance, a light blinked over the city skyline, maybe an airplane, too slow to be an angel craft. So far, so good.
“I found the tech gear,” Jack said. “We’re set. See you in ten, Sis.”
Trudy pressed her walkie-talkie button. “Roger that. No bogeys in sight. I’ll prep the Jeep.” She attached the walkie-talkie to her belt, opened the vehicle’s back hatch, and flipped up the cooler’s lid. A cloud of white vapor rose into the humid air. Inside, several trays of vaccine vials lay stacked in layers, five hundred doses. She closed the lid. Perfect. Enough to protect the everyone in the border areas.
She zipped open a suitcase lying next to the cooler. Their disguises lay folded neatly inside. Once again, perfect. After rezipping the suitcase, she hustled around, jumped into the driver’s seat, and started the electric motor with the push of a button. It hummed, barely audible.
Her hand trembled. She clutched the steering wheel to settle it. This was no time to lose her nerve. They had rehearsed this infiltration mission fifty times. She couldn’t show fear, not now, not even around Ben and Jack … especially around Ben and Jack.
After taking a deep breath, she imagined a Gen Five staring at her, wings spread and eyes glowing blue. She firmed her jaw and whispered, “Just wait, you filthy cockroach. You have no idea what we have in store for you.”
Categories: Critique Group
This is a great beginning! I noticed a missing word, by the way:
“What’re going to do with the angel?” Jack asked.
Thought you should know.
I fixed it. Thank you.
Nice! I can’t wait until I can read the whole thing, Mr. Davis! I love your books!
Thank you.
Sign me up for the first copy!! Having just finished the Reapers trilogy, I can’t wait to see how you spin this story. The idea of angels being the bad guys for once is intriguing and new.
THIS BLEW MY MIND!!!!!!!!
The intrigue, the mystery, the questions aplenty that are left to be answered (e.g. the idea of angels as the enemies or even possibly the enemies of the angels being humanized) is amazing!!!!!
I cannot possibly wait for more of this and to see where this goes.
Keep up the good work.
Isaac
(Star Wars Expert *elbow nudge* *wink*)
I like the futuristic feel of this story. I really like plasma guns, super-cool-tech, etc.
I did notice something that was a bit confusing: “She zipped open a suitcase…” “Unzipped” would probably make more sense.
Perhaps it was just the use of angels as antagonists, but while reading this, I kind of got an uneasy feeling in my gut. If I had picked this up at a bookstore, I wouldn’t buy it without some background as to who these “angels” are.
I can’t understand who Ben, Jack, and Trudy are, or what they are fighting for. If they’re protagonists, how could Ben be able to kill a person with such callousness? Maybe it’s just me, but I find it difficult to get drawn in to the story, even with the mystery.
Thank you. I can see a lot of potential in this story.
Maybe I need to make it clearer that the protagonists believe that these angels aren’t real angels. I hoped the use of the word “phonies” was enough to clue readers in. I will think about it.
Hi Mr. Davis, I really enjoyed reading this post. Your work is truely amazing. I find your books to be an inspiration in my walk with God.
I’ve never critiqued anything before, so please forgive me if the format is all wrong. The first time I read this I thought it was perfect. Nothing to critique. So, I really had to study it.
The mystery and action in this post definitely kept me interested. If the segment were longer, I would have kept reading. I like how you introduced so many characters at once. You’ve balanced the tension and “anxious reflection” beautifully.
In your paragraph, “More likely Gen Two. She’s got the glow.” Ben touched the angel’s cheek, smooth and radiant. No wonder so many people were fooled by these phonies. The so-called angels always chose attractive, youthful humans, and the radiance added to the deception. He withdrew a pneuma-scan disk from his pocket and set it against her forehead. The disk glowed purple. Both the invading spirit and the human soul were still there. “I hit her in the heart. Close range. That’ll kill a Two.”
When Ben pneuma-scanned the angel, I was a little confused if the plasma gun killed both the human soul and invading spirit, or if the gun just killed the angel’s body. I think it was because of the statement that the heart shot would kill a Two. Maybe at the beginning of the paragraph he could say, “More likely a second generation.” Then at the end of your paragraph he could say, “That’ll kill a Gen Two.” Everyone else probably understood, it could just be me.
Also when Trudy encouraged her fellow “team mates”, she said everything was inside the jeep including the cooler full of vaccines. Later, she checked it all again and responded like it was the first time she saw the equipment. Maybe you could get into her thoughts about double checking, just like they did during the fifty other practices.
Do you have to hold down the button on walkie-talkies to be heard? As Ben shot the angel in the head, Trudy heard it through the radio. It didn’t seem natural for him to still be holding the button down. I realize that this is a different type of “world” with plasma guns so maybe their walkie-talkies are different.
Again, this is a really interesting story, and I would like to keep reading. If I was reading this book for fun, I would not have noticed any of the discussion items. I only noticed them in reflecting on this sample of your work for a few days. Thank you for sharing this snippet.
Thank you for the thoughtful comments. I will consider them.
The walkie-talkies I have used require you to hold the button down to talk.
I’m very intrigued with this concept! Albeit, I was confused at first because: why are people killing angels? Why are angels invading people’s bodies? Are the angels actually demons? Needless to say, I will be anticipating your new book that will answer these questions.
The questions are there by design. I just have to be careful to avoid too much confusion.