Don’t forget the critiquing guidelines. All I ask is that you post a comment about the submission below. Don’t feel like you have to critique the whole piece. Even a short comment on one aspect can be helpful.

If you want to submit a manuscript for critique, please read the guidelines as well as this list of common mistakes to avoid before submitting.

This post will stay active indefinitely, so you can come back and add comments at any time. If you are the writer who is being critiqued, you should subscribe to this post so you can be notified when any comments are added.

Dreams of the Adrogans – by Sofia (From the epilogue)

“If you want my advice, my lord, I would highly counsel you not leave now on this campaign. Your place is here, among your people. Your leadership and wisdom are needed here in Erid, not elsewhere. You must stay and strengthen the alliances with the other kingdoms, rebuild the villages and fortify them, train the new recruits. Your presence here would encourage the people to build a stronger relationship with the refugees from Strathclyde.” Sarel paused a moment to see if there was a change in Trygaeos’s face, but there was none. “And your family needs you most of all. Ariahna has confided in me countless times that she longs to have you by her side once again as in the days when you were first married. She is weak from childbirth, and may not last long; you don’t know that because you never see her anymore. You are a stranger to your son; he sees you from afar but hardly knows you in person. Trygaeos, your relationship with your wife and son are more important than anything else in the world – especially this campaign. If there would be anything that I would want you to do, it would be to stay and repair the relationship with your wife and son.”

Trygaeos did not respond. He remained silent for a long moment as his consciousness questioned again as to whether it was right for him to leave on this campaign. He wanted desperately to leave, but a part of him told him that it was not right and unwise. Aloud, he said, “I made my decision with the Council, Sarel. I leave in the morning.”

Sarel nodded. “Fine. Do what you want. But as I said before, I still won’t give you my blessing.”

The king was taken aback. “What? After all I’ve done to protect the kingdom, how can you not see that this campaign is a worthy cause for the good of everyone? That it needs to be done? Sarel, listen –“

“No! We will not go through this again! We already discussed this and I am through trying to persuade and convince you that it is not the right thing to do. Did I not give you counsel as to why you should not leave? Did I not tell you that this decision is of your own accord?” Sarel put his hands on his hips. “Trygaeos, you are free to go, but as I said, I am not giving you my blessing because this is –“

“The right thing to do!” Trygaeos rolled his eyes. “I know, Seer! You do not have to preach at me again!” He gave an exasperated sigh and looked up at the stars. “I am still going.”

“I’m not stopping you, Trygaeos,” Sarel said. “You fully well that the decision is yours. You were the one who stopped listening to me.”

“I know! Stop telling me that!”

“Don’t yell at me, Trygaeos,” Sarel said. “I know… “ He sighed. “Seeing that you have clearly made up your mind, I hope you realize someday that you have to live with the consequences of the decisions that you make, both the good and bad. No matter what happens, you will always reap what you sow. If you succeed in this campaign, you will gain an enormous empire and will return with a vast amount of wealth; but no one will know who you are anymore because you will have changed in your mind, heart, and actions.”

Trygaeos sighed. “And if I fail?”

Sarel grimaced. “If you fail… well, your kingdom will still here for you to rebuild. The noblemen, if their hearts have changed, will want to work with you. But the armies of the north and south will stand at your doorstep and want to fight.” He smiled grimly. “Through it all, your wife and son will still be here to welcome you back with open arms, ready to love you, to forgive your actions, and rebuild the broken relationships. I tell you again: whatever decisions you will ever make, you must live with the consequences. I will not be there to pick up the pieces for you and to fix everything. You must learn to do that on your own.”

Trygaeos nodded slowly. “I am still determined to leave in the morning with my men, Sarel. I’m sorry, but I have to do this. Give my best regards to my wife and son.” He turned on his heel and left Sarel standing there on the terrace.

The seer remained there for a long time, deep in thought. As much as he wanted Trygaeos not to go on the campaign, he knew that the king must in order to learn what it meant to live with the consequences of his decisions. No matter what he does, it will be hard for him to accept. He had always been the stubborn goat of the royal family – determined to have his own way, oblivious to anyone who might want to help him. He had always relied on Sarel for help and when something went wrong, it was Sarel who picked up the pieces and fixed the problems. But Trygaeos must do it on his own now. It would be a challenge – one that would determine the future of the kingdom of Erid and the Alliance of Riadin.

Sarel raised his eyes towards the night sky. “Adenaï, if it is your will,” he said softly, “break Trygaeos into a thousand pieces. Through any means, help him understand that he is stubborn as a mule. I know it is not the best thing to say, but let this campaign of his fail so that he will learn that the consequences do matter. And in the process, let him somehow rebuild his relationship with his wife and son.”

His burden lifted, he turned on his heel and returned to his quarters within the palace.

***

At dawn, Trygaeos, with his three Journey Advisors and five generals, strode into the courtyard where the three armies of Erid, Kehnia, and Valencia stood at attention. To the side, the mercenary soldiers from Strathclyde, Aleuzeneva, and the Isle of Arran stood patiently, awaiting for the signal to march.

Trygaeos stopped a few paces away from the armies. His generals and advisors stood behind him. Looking over the men, he smiled and looked back at the generals. “All of you have done well, my generals,” he said. “The training has payed off.”

The generals bowed and one of them told them that the leaders of the mercenaries had arrived. Trygaeos thanked him and then, standing still before his men, he spoke in a loud voice, “My brothers of the Alliance! Today, we leave on the Eastern Campaign. I need no necessary to remind you of the trials and obstacles that we all have endured to arrive at this point. We fought against betrayers who would see nothing but my own downfall; an army of more than ten thousand against this city of Eridanus; rebellions in the northern parts of Erid, Kehnia and Valencia that would have brought our ruin if it had not been for the Dragons of Achia and their Warriors. Did they prevail against us? No!

“My brothers, I did not lead you in those trails for you to fail for there were greater things destined for us all. You were downhearted and discouraged when you returned from the Northern Rebellions, but then took heart when reminded that we do not do this out your own strength, but that we work together to accomplish these things.

“And so now, I remind you once again: we do not do this of our own accord but with the help and blessing of Adenaï. Through His might and power, we will do the impossible: conquer an empire so mighty and huge that our enemies will bow down to us and call us ‘the Extraordinary.’ Who is with me?”

A great cry went up from the soldiers. The generals clapped Trygaeos in back and the order was given to depart within the half hour. Everyone dispersed quickly to gather their belongings. Trygaeos, waiting at the gate for everyone to follow him, turned and looked up at the terrace where he and Sarel had been talking the night before. There was a figure standing there and he knew that it was Sarel.

The seer lifted his hand in a motion of farewell and then quickly departed. Somewhere inside, Trygaeos felt a tiny voice telling him that it was wrong of him to on this campaign, but he shoved it aside. He could not and would not turn back on this campaign.

[wp_ad_camp_1]

Categories: Critique Group

Tags: How to write a novel, Novel, Writing, Writing a Novel, Writing Lessons, Writing Tips